Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
