Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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