glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
