well I can't set my house on fire every night
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
