I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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