Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
