Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
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I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
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The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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