True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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