ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
