Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
