Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Drake has all the answers
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
