how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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