I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
