are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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