you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
