Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
