All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
