i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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