i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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