I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
