btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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