I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I deserve this hangover.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
