i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
