we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
