who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
