Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
