That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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