Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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