hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
