Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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