OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
