Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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