I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
