I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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