It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
