and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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