So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
