go do what you do best...puke behind churches
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
