Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
