Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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