I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
