I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
