So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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