i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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