im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i out mim tonsoeep
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
