So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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