Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You're like the curious george of whores
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
