My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Do you remember whose house we're in?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
