I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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