hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
