after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
