I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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