Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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