Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
