am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I love you. Go after that dick
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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