do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
